Is everyone in my house going crazy.
Have we lost our sanity
they all seem sickly,
yet the pill bottles are all unopened. 

Doing what ever it takes to keep myself busy.

I’ve been doing well the past few weeks but today I just woke up feeling like everything’s pointless. I woke up thinking it was a dream again. When that happens I get scared, how do I know it’s not just a dream. I don’t know when I’m dreaming & I don’t know when I’m awake. It feels the same. Repetition is getting to me. Why can’t I wake up somewhere new & to something different everyday? 

AND WHY CAN’T MY NEPHEW EAT THE EGGS I COOKED HIM?!

I stopped taking my medication weeks ago. I thought that I was doing well without but I think I was wrong.

My sleep is no longer a constant 7-hour affair. My dreams vary from vivid to non-existent. I check out more times than I should. I feel lonely even when I am not alone.

All that was familiar are suddenly unfamiliar. 
I woke up in my bed this morning confused, thinking I was still dreaming. “This isn’t my bed. This isn’t my room.” I fall asleep thinking I’ll wake up on something familiar. An hour later, it’s the same unfamiliar place. I scrambled out of bed cursing that I’ve been tricked by my own trickery. I laughed bitterly while I thought about making myself a totem.

I looked at myself in the mirror wondering how I can seem so disturbingly placid while feeling so chaotic. I wondered how many times I have put myself on auto-pilot before today.

I start hiding my face under sunglasses as if people could see the wariness in my eyes. Or maybe I’m just afraid they’ll find that my eyes hold an abyss of emptiness. 

For the first time ever, I’m afraid of my depression. Afraid that it’ll drag me down again. Afraid that I won’t be able to save myself. Afraid that I can’t fight what belongs to me. It’s inexplainable. 

Starting off summer alone

alone, again

confined in this room 

with only my thoughts

emptiness fills

and doesnt leave.

Covered by the clouds,

sunrise has not risen

Feeling out of place,

the sunset escapes.

Between these blank walls

there is a girl weighed down

by herself

where there’s nothing left,

and there’s nothing right.

Days

seemed to have flitted away

loneliness comes

as though it may be

acting like something ordinary

Filling the silent sounds

with noise mundanely made

Mother who arrives in the night

sisters never in sight

Father in the garden

brother whose heart did harden

where is everyone

alone in the house

alone without a place

waiting to flee

never again to return.

Is there nothing left.

How is it that one song can make you relive all your loneliest times.
I can’t even think right.
So frustrated with my thoughts that I cry.

What happened to everyone? What happened to all the dreams we had? 
Perhaps they disappear as we grow older.
With time, we change. I wish we can stop. Sometimes the more I live , the more I die.